Every family has its quirky members, but is it ever okay to exclude them from the wedding guest list? Today, Cheryl offers her tips for handling difficult guests.
Dear Cheryl,
We’re in a bit of a situation with our brother-in-law. At our daughter’s wedding, his behavior was so obnoxious that we decided to leave him out of the next few family weddings.
Other family members noticed he wasn’t invited, but we did not tell them why he was left out. This brother-in-law is a minister, and we didn’t explain to the whole family how he insulted us and took over many areas of the wedding. It was almost as if he was upset he wasn’t asked to play a part in the wedding.
His behavior was completely out of line. He sat in reserved seating not assigned to him. He sat right behind the grandparents with a newborn infant, even though we were clear about no children being invited. Worst of all, he “photobombed” all the important pictures.I personally watched him run across the room to get in several pictures. Not that it matters, but his gift to the bride was a crocheted potholder that his teenage daughter made. But, he intentionally carried in family members’ large gifts from nice stores, as if to show everyone in the room that they were from him.
How should we handle not inviting a beloved family member? It just isn’t worth the stress of inviting him, but we are worried as others don’t know why or think we are mean!-Sarah
Hi Sarah,
You are in a difficult situation. Navigating family dynamics is not easy, especially when it comes to important events like weddings.
Every family has its quirky members, and he sounds like the epitome of an annoying relative and wedding guest. He may not even be aware that his selfish actions caused you stress. Maybe he thought he was being funny. Or you could be right—he was passive-aggressive and selfish, thinking he should have been the officiant. We usually can’t know why others act as they do.
It may be tempting to avoid a confrontation and simply withhold the invitation, but I recommend having a conversation with this “beloved family member.” It’s much kinder to explain your actions and give him a chance to respond than to leave him and other family members wondering why he’s excluded. He is your child’s uncle, a very close family member to exclude from an important family gathering.
You also mentioned that he is a minister. While that doesn’t guarantee gracious behavior, hopefully, it means he would be willing to listen to your point of view.
Focus on what you can control for the upcoming wedding in the conversation. Try saying something like, “We’d like to do all we can to ensure this upcoming wedding is enjoyable for all of us. Please, pay attention to where the ushers ask you to sit at the ceremony and listen to the photographer’s instructions for pictures.” You can also reiterate the policy on children for the wedding.
If he refuses to modify his behavior and dismisses your concerns, you can withhold the invitation. I feel that we should do everything within our power to mend fences and heal family relationships. That way, you can be stress-free, knowing that you did your best.
If you don’t feel that you or your husband can talk to him, you can take other preventative measures to make sure he doesn’t “ruin the wedding.” Assign a family member to keep him occupied and stop him from photobombing. Or — ask a family member to point out his rude behavior and ask him to stop.
You said, “Not that it matters…” about his gift, but obviously, it does matter, or you wouldn’t have mentioned it. And I don’t blame you. It’s natural to think: if he’s going to be that obnoxious, then he should at least give a nice gift. But you are correct, that is not the issue here.
However you proceed, remember that your enjoyment of the event is important. I hope you find a solution that allows you to fully enjoy the wedding.
Most sincerely,
Cheryl
If you have questions or comments about this post, or about gift giving, bridal shower, baby shower, or wedding etiquette, please comment below or email AskCheryl@RegistryFinder.com.
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