Dear Cheryl,
My son is getting married next year, and I’m unsure what my role should be.
I want to be involved in and help with the wedding, but I don’t know where to start. Since we are paying for half of the wedding, shouldn’t I have a say in the planning?
Thanks,
Mother of the Groom
Dear Mother of the Groom,
Parents often struggle with their role in their children’s weddings. Technically, you should have a say in the wedding planning, but it may need to be more indirect. Your role is to support and assist the couple in their planning rather than taking the lead. You start with communication and then follow the lead of the bride and groom.
I’ve listed some dos and don’ts to help you navigate this exciting time. We’ve also consulted veteran mothers of the groom to share their experiences and words of wisdom.
Do’s for MOGs
1. Communicate & Keep an Open Dialog
I always say that communication is the key to wedding planning. Initiate a dialogue with the couple. Meet in person or use video calls to ensure clear communication (facial cues and body language are important) if possible.
But before you talk, think about your expectations. What do you want your role to be? Where are you willing to compromise? Since you are footing half the bill, it’s understandable that you want a big say in the planning, but that may not be what they want. Here are the key things to discuss:
- First, you need to understand what they want – their “vision.” I recommend taking the approach of—I want to help you with your vision. This approach puts you and the couple on the same team but also requires an open mind and curiosity without passing judgment. (Yes, I know, that is so hard.) When you want to say, “You want to do what?” Instead, say, “Help me understand that.”
- After you understand their vision, discuss the budget, which is often the most challenging subject. Before this conversion, be prepared with how much you are willing to contribute.
- Next, discuss what they want your role to be. Don’t be surprised if they don’t know at first. They may not have thought about it and need time to figure it out.
MOG Souhila C. says:
Ask the bride about her expectations of you and the groom’s dad. Make it safe for her to be open and honest with you so there is no miscommunication.
2. Plan to Host the Rehearsal Dinner
Traditionally, the groom’s parents host (plan and pay for) a rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. Ask the couple if they want to have one. Some couples want to skip that tradition and instead opt for a Welcome Party to which all wedding guests are invited.
MOG Souhila C. says:
Traditionally, the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner, but it’s important for the bride to feel like she can safely express what she’d like for the rehearsal dinner as well.
3. Be Loving and Willing to Compromise
All parties involved in the wedding should be willing to compromise, but as the groom’s parents, you should prepare to compromise much more. It’s easy for parents to assume that if they are paying for the wedding, they also make most of the decisions. In most cases, that is not how it plays out. After all, it’s the bride and groom getting married. It’s their special day, and you want them to be happy with the wedding plan.
Most couples want their weddings to be unique to their personal style. So don’t make it more about you than the couple. I recommend picking a few things that are important to you (your non-negotiables, so to speak). Lovingly explain why they’re significant to you, and usually, the couple will be willing to incorporate or bend to what’s essential to you.
MOG Cherie H. says:
Remember, this day is not about you. It’s truly a day for the bride and groom. You are there to help make it a wonderful day full of beautiful memories, not to be in charge of anything (unless asked). Be very intentional about making your future DIL feel she is as much a part of your family as your own children are a part of your family. Include her, value her, and love her.
MOG Bonnie D. says:
Remember that tradition sets the stage for the bride’s family to lead the way. Early on, express your willingness to help (financially and otherwise) and let the bride’s family invite you to help with their plan. Answer questions when asked and offer suggestions if they seem open to them.
Cherish the mother-son dance. It’s a wonderful moment.
If invited to events like wedding dress shopping, just sit there, smile, and shake your head affirmatively. Also, remember that the bride’s mother picks her dress before you do.
Don’ts for MOGs
1. Don’t Be Critical, Be Thoughtful
As we’ve discussed in our previous article on how to be the best mother of the bride or groom, it’s essential to be thoughtful and considerate in your interactions with the couple. Avoid sharing negative thoughts unless asked for your honest opinion. If you have a legitimate concern, share it, but make sure your tone is supportive. We’re not trying to tell you to keep your mouth shut; we’re saying speak with a heavy filter.
Your words can have a significant impact on the couple and their feelings. You can be sensitive to that by being careful how you phrase things. If you say you don’t like something, you’re criticizing their choices, which they will translate in their minds as criticism of them. Instead of saying you don’t like it, try to find a diplomatic way to offer a solution.
MOG Elizabeth M. says:
To be a great MOG, avoid being demanding or opinionated. Wait to be asked. You’ve already had your wedding day. Let your daughter-in-law make decisions for her special day.
Be encouraging. Be supportive. Be loving. More than anything else, ask God to help you demonstrate loving kindness to her and her family and quickly forgive any slight or conflict. Your son has chosen this woman to be his wife. Try to see the details of the wedding day through that lens.
MOG Veronica E. says:
As I watched other friends in the role of mother of the groom, the saying was, “Stay quiet and wear beige.” The truth is you don’t say much, but it is essential to listen. Offer support and help if the couple needs it, and be willing to do whatever they ask you to do.
It’s important to remain respectful and kind because, hopefully, your daughter-in-law will be the mother of your grandchildren. If you want to have a good relationship with your grandchildren and spend time with them, you need a good foundation with their parents.
2. Don’t make any decisions without consulting the couple.
Remember: it’s their day! The couple must have a say in everything, from the size and tone of the wedding to what you wear unless they tell you it’s your decision. Follow their vision for the wedding and all other wedding events.
As parents, we tend to feel we know what’s best because we have more experience. But if there’s friction, we just need to relinquish control. I did this during my daughter’s wedding, and it was incredibly freeing and fun.
MOG Kathryn S. says:
Don’t give your opinion unless asked; go along with whatever your future daughter-in-law wants.
MOG Jill K. says:
Shut your mouth and open your wallet.
Here are a few more tips from experienced Mothers of the Groom:
MOG Cheryl A. says:
My advice is to enjoy every minute of the day. Be there for your son when/if he needs you. Choose a song that means something special to your son and you so you can thoroughly enjoy your mother-son dance. Welcome in and support the love of his life and her family. Spend time with the bridal party if invited. Do everything you can to help everyone feel welcome to this special celebration and enjoy all the details.
MOG Souhila C. says:
One more tip: As the bride’s future mother-in-law, realize and demonstrate that the bride will now be her son’s first priority and that you are okay with that.
Featured image by @motherof.co
If you have questions or comments about this post, gift giving, bridal showers, baby showers, or wedding etiquette, please comment below or email AskCheryl@RegistryFinder.com.
Questions in this column are received from readers. They may be edited for spelling, length, and grammar or to remove sensitive information. However, we are careful not to alter the intent or content of the question.
