When a couple chooses a small, destination wedding, family and friends might try to insist on traditional pre-wedding celebrations, like a bridal shower.

How should couples handle the pressure to register and have showers when their wedding guest list is small? Cheryl offers her solution and the one etiquette rule that should never change with the times!

Hello Cheryl,

My fiancé and I are planning a destination wedding. We are much older and feel we have everything we need, but our friends want us to have a bridal shower.

My problem is they also want us to register. I think many want to give gifts and others who are not invited to the destination wedding would like to celebrate with us.

What do you recommend? I’m not sure how to politely decline gifts and just have a gathering to celebrate?

Thank you,
Sylvia

Hi Sylvia,

Your friends are obviously happy for you and want to be part of your celebration. But it seems you are uncomfortable with the idea of a bridal shower and registering, and I think your instincts are correct. So don’t be forced or persuaded to do anything that doesn’t feel right. You can certainly decline a bridal shower, and it’s OK not to register.

You mentioned that some of your friends and loved ones who will not be invited to your destination wedding may want to give you a gift. That is probably true, but a pre-wedding shower requires them to give you a gift. A bridal shower, by nature, is a gift-giving event. This is one etiquette rule that shouldn’t be broken: shower guests must also be wedding guests.

Here’s your solution: host a gathering or party for your friends who were not invited to the wedding when you return, not before. This can be called a reception or celebration, but not a shower. At a reception held after the wedding, guests are not obligated to give a wedding gift, although they may if they wish.

I recommend picking a date for your post-wedding party and sending out invitations before you leave for your wedding or spreading the word that the event is being planned. Your friends will then feel included and look forward to celebrating with you. The party can be as formal or casual as you like, and the friends who want to give you a shower can help. This should make everyone happy.

If you have questions or comments about this article, gift giving, bridal showers, baby showers, or wedding etiquette, please comment below or email AskCheryl@RegistryFinder.com.

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