It is a truth universally acknowledged (or at least it should be) that all those invited to the bridal shower must also be asked to the wedding. Unfortunately, confused couples sometimes extend shower invitations to those they can’t invite to the wedding.
So what’s a shower guest to do when she finds she’s not included on the wedding guest list? Cheryl offers a few options for dealing with this guest list goof!
Hi Cheryl,
I accepted the bridal shower invite I received from my sister-in-law and promptly purchased a gift for my niece. I now find that I ‘m not invited to the wedding. How do I un-accept the invite? I was thinking I’d write a short email stating I would not attend as I want to avoid any further embarrassment. I’m also planning on having the gift delivered to the shower. Your thoughts?
-Leslie
Hi Leslie,
I understand why you are upset and even hurt. It’s considered very bad form to invite someone to the bridal shower but not to the wedding.
I’m curious about the reason you won’t be invited to the wedding, since you’re the bride’s aunt and, therefore, part of the immediate family. Are they having a very small wedding with just their parents present, or something similar?
There has been a trend toward smaller venues over the past several years. This can create weddings where not all family and friends can be invited. While this is acceptable, issues arise when confused couples, parents, or attendants feel compelled to invite those who were not invited to the wedding to something—anything, causing them to extend invitations to a bridal shower.
The (possibly guilt-ridden) motivation seems to be that they want those who are not invited to the wedding to feel included in the festivities. This is a misguided reaction. They need to understand that shower invitations require a gift (if you attend), which can come across as, “You aren’t important enough to us to be invited to the wedding, but we want you to buy us a gift.”
Bridal showers are not mini-weddings. A better alternative would be for couples or their parents to host a reception or celebration after the wedding.
You have a couple of options here: 1) You can ignore the faux pas and go to the shower to show support for your niece, or 2) You can call or email to change your RSVP, letting them know that you won’t be attending. No explanation is necessary. Take the high road and simply inform them that you won’t be able to attend. If you are questioned, you can be honest, but I recommend just stating that you can’t make it. Even though you were slighted, you don’t want to be known as the one who causes any drama.
Additionally, I don’t recommend sending a gift to the shower. Gifts for any type of shower should be brought to the event if you attend. If you don’t attend, a gift is not expected. If you wish to give a wedding gift to your niece, send it to her before or after the wedding, but it should not be opened at the shower. Again, you are not obligated to send a wedding gift since you were not invited to the wedding. However, as always, giving is at the giver’s discretion, so you can choose to gift or not as you prefer.
My overarching recommendation is to forgive this misstep for the sake of family peace and harmony. Consider attending the shower and forgiving the fact that you were not invited to the wedding.
If you have questions or comments about this post, or about gift giving, bridal shower, baby shower, or wedding etiquette, please comment below or email AskCheryl@RegistryFinder.com.
Questions in this column are received from readers. They may be edited for spelling, length, and grammar, or to remove sensitive information. However, we are careful not to alter the intent or content of the question.
Featured Image from Etsy Seller BloomingPaperInvites
