The trickiest part of planning a wedding is often the guest list. Determining who gets an invitation is often a collaborative process between the couple and their parents, and when one set of parents is paying, that collaborative process becomes a very delicate dance.
This month’s wedding etiquette question comes from a bride trying to navigate that dance with in-laws who would like to increase the guest list.
This Real Bride writes:
“How can I handle my future mother-in-law not understanding the number of people my fiancé and his parents are allowed to invite to our wedding? I’ve given them the number verbally, through texts to both my fiancé and MIL, and even my mom has told his mother verbally her number of invites. It’s time to finalize the save the dates to send out and they’ve yet to send me a guest list and keep asking if they can ‘up’ their number every week when more people are added. I know not everyone will come, but I feel like they are not respecting my wishes along with respecting my parents who are paying for the wedding. Please help!”
As always, our Ask a Real Bride Instagram community weighed in with their advice! Read on for their tips:
Tip #1: Ask Your Fiance to Discuss the Wedding Guest List Privately
When there’s conflict with the in-laws, a private conversation between parent and child is the perfect first step. Why? People tend to feel more comfortable speaking their minds around touchy topics like finances and family dynamics with their own son or daughter. Here’s what our Real Brides say:
“The fiance needs to step in and explain on his own. You’ve already done your part by sharing the number of guests. Since they still don’t get it, it’s time for him to talk to them on his own.”
“The groom definitely needs to handle this conversation and reiterate their priorities to his parents. [He needs to share] if the couple doesn’t want a huge crowd or has a smaller vision for the wedding.”
Plus, the private conversation sets a powerful precedent for future conflicts: your partner is showing his or her parents that you’re a team, and he or she is willing to go to bat for you!
“If they can’t respect your boundaries now, how will they respect them later? It’s a hard conversation, but being willing to have it now will have implications in the future.”
Tip #2: Offer to Collaborate and Compromise on the Wedding Guest List
While your fiance needs to go into this private conversation with the goal of communicating a guest list limit, he or she also needs to listen and consider: is the number of guests allotted to his or her side of the family enough to accommodate the parents’ siblings and closest friends? Are any of the invitations symbolic gestures (i.e. elderly relatives who won’t attend? People who live abroad and won’t make the trip? One or two of these invitations are ok to send and won’t affect the actual number of guests).
And finally, would he or she be willing to sacrifice one or two invitations to friends so the parents can invite a few people who are meaningful to them?
“We were in this exact situation. My fiance sat down with this mom, and they compromised: he was willing to give up a few invitations to his friends, and she was able to add one more family of 5 that she really wanted to invite.”
Tip #3: Speak Frankly About Wedding Finances
Talking about money can be uncomfortable, but in that private conversation, your fiance may need to “go there.” If they haven’t planned a wedding recently, maybe they don’t realize how expensive it is to host a wedding. Maybe they’re used to casual weddings and don’t yet realize that your parents are hosting a more elegant affair.
Once they have a grasp of the cost per head of each wedding guest, they may have a different perspective on asking to add more and more:
“[The in-laws] need to be made aware of the cost of each extra guest, and that doesn’t just mean food and bar. More people means more invitations, tables, chairs, linens, charger plates, menus, place cards, favors, and centerpieces.”
“Hearing what each guest costs might open their eyes to their faux pas. I know it’s hard for some people to sit and have these conversations with their parents, but spending someone else’s money against their wishes is not acceptable in any situation, weddings included.”
The conversation with the in-laws may end there. But there’s another possibility: at this point, they may offer to contribute what it would cost to host their additional guests:
“Sometimes it’s a very simple math problem that just needs to be spoken out loud. If [the in-laws] can’t cover the cost of their extra guests, then they can’t invite more people. If they can afford to pay, that’s great!”
But if you’re dealing with space constraints at your wedding venue, or just don’t envision a larger wedding, this is where your fiance needs to stand firm:
“Be wary of having them offer to contribute to the budget in exchange for more guests, because that can open up a can of worms. It isn’t always about the money. The bride and groom may just want to limit the size of the wedding and the familiarity of the guests to them.”
Hopefully, getting these guest list conversations out of the way early will allow everyone to enjoy the process and celebrate happily!
Have a Question for our Real Brides?
Let me know what topic you’d like us to tackle next! And if you’re interested in learning more about etiquette, gift-giving, and celebrating in style, be sure to subscribe to the RegistryFinder GiveIt blog for weekly posts on wedding etiquette, bridal showers, wedding trends, and, of course, wedding registry guidelines and tips! And as always, refer your guests to RegistryFinder.com, where they can conveniently locate all your registries in one place!
