Your best girlfriends are going to be your bridesmaids; let the celebrating commence! But what are their responsibilities? What should you expect from them regarding party planning, hosting, and all related expenses?
Hi Cheryl,
I am getting married in a few months and have a total of eight bridesmaids, including a Matron of Honor. My parents live on a fixed income and are financially strained, so I am covering the majority of the wedding costs.
I have not asked my bridesmaids for any help in terms of money, time, or labor to help with the wedding. Now that it’s time to plan my bridal shower, I want to know if it’s okay to ask my bridal party to split the cost of the shower among everyone, including my mother, so the burden doesn’t fall solely on her. I want to mention that my bachelorette was originally supposed to be in Miami, but the majority of bridesmaids said they couldn’t go, so we made alternate plans to go out in NYC, which is much more feasible for everyone (I live in CT). Financially speaking, my bridesmaids will each be responsible for their dress, hair, and makeup (if they choose to have it done professionally), shoes, and jewelry on the wedding day. I will be covering the cost of transportation and all other wedding-related expenses. Please let me know your thoughts.
Leila
Dear Leila,
You are doing a good job being considerate of your bridesmaids and their expenses. However, from an etiquette standpoint, it’s inappropriate to ask anyone to pay for a party held in your honor; you should wait for them to offer.
You said, “Now that it’s time to plan the bridal shower…” which leads me to believe that you are involved in the planning. You should remove that from your to-do list, and honestly, so should your mother. From an etiquette perspective, it’s best to wait until someone else offers to host. An aunt, cousin, or your bridesmaids might step up to the plate. If you or your mother takes it on, you’re not giving anyone else a chance. Additionally, bridal showers aren’t a required event. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t have one.
Etiquette suggests that neither the bride nor her immediate family should host a bridal shower. Why is this the case? The purpose of the shower is to give gifts to the bride or couple, and it can seem as though the family is “asking” for gifts.
And contrary to popular belief, the maid of honor and bridesmaids are not required to host a shower as part of their responsibilities. While it is traditionally viewed as something they should, and would want to take on, it would be improper to ask your bridesmaids to share in the expenses. But give them a chance; they may surprise you and plan one. It would be nice if they shared the costs of a bridal shower, but you should not and cannot dictate that to them.
I have noticed a trend in recent years that bridesmaids are increasingly reluctant to take on this responsibility, and moms are stepping in to host. Could that be due to the high expectations placed on every event by social media and the associated financial commitment? Brides should not judge their friendships based on how much money their friends spend on their bachelorette party or bridal shower.
You are on the right track regarding the expenses you are asking them to cover. Traditionally, bridesmaids pay for:
- Their bridesmaid dress
- Their shoes and accessories (unless the bride chooses specific matching accessories)
- Their travel to the wedding venue city
- A gift for the couple
For more details about who pays for what, check out: “What Costs Should the Bride Cover for Her Bridesmaids?“
Financial issues and determining who pays for what can sometimes lead to damaged friendships. In our article, A Bride’s Guide to Bridesmaids, we thoroughly discuss the responsibilities of a bridesmaid and offer tips on how to maintain friendships during the wedding planning process!
We’ve heard from so many bridesmaids expressing concern about the money they spend when asked to be an attendant. Some women have found themselves participating in multiple weddings within a single year, and the expenses can quickly add up, far exceeding what they can afford.
Enjoy your wedding planning, but be realistic about your expectations when it comes to the bridal shower.
If you have questions or comments about gift-giving or wedding etiquette, please leave a comment below or email AskCheryl@RegistryFinder.com.
Emails in this column are received from readers. Emails may be edited for spelling and grammar, or to remove sensitive information; however, we are careful not to alter the intent or content of the question.
Cheryl Seidel is the founder and President of RegistryFinder.com, an intuitive search engine that helps gift givers quickly and easily find online registries for weddings, baby showers, graduations, and more.
