The Ask a Real Bride Instagram page is growing, and we would love to see you there, too! Every week, we discuss wedding etiquette topics like plus ones, dress codes, gift registries, and thank-you notes. And while there are many guidelines for hosting, gifting, and expressing gratitude, there’s one wedding topic that almost no one talks about: not every guest who attends your wedding will congratulate you with a gift. If that comes as a surprise, you’re not alone.
A Real Bride Asks:
My wedding was last weekend, and almost 50 of the 130 guests (40%) did not give a gift. Shockingly, the people most likely to not give gifts were the people closest to us–best friends of 10+ years, our bridesmaids and groomsmen, brothers and sisters, and people whose weddings we’ve recently attended.
I’m shocked and hurt.
Am I out of line for expecting something from most guests? Is wedding gift-giving on the outs entirely?
Week after week, this question lands in the Ask a Real Bride inbox. And I get it: not receiving a gift can be disappointing, especially when the giftless guests are people with whom you share a close bond and have celebrated with recently.
Why Aren’t Wedding Guests Giving Gifts?
So why the uptick in giftless guests? I asked, and over 700 people weighed in!
Reason #1 for Giftless Guests: Attendance is Expensive
With the rise of destination weddings, 49% of the people we surveyed say that just showing up to the wedding eats up most of their budget, leaving no room for a gift. Some also mentioned the cost of attire (especially for black-tie weddings) and babysitters (for adults-only weddings). While many couples would choose their guests’ presence over presents, skipping a gift is still an etiquette faux pas, which leads us to reason #2:
Reason #2 for Giftless Guests: People Don’t Know the Etiquette
Traditionally, anyone who receives an invitation to a wedding should give a gift, whether they attend the wedding or not. This sets weddings apart from other events, like bridal showers and birthday parties, where guests typically only give a gift if they attend.
Why are weddings different? Because wedding gifts are symbolic. They represent love and support for the couple. So when no gift is given, the disappointment is not about the monetary value or the items themselves; it’s that the couple may not feel loved and supported.
Reason #3 for Giftless Guests: People Forget!
Life gets busy, and if guests have lots of friends and relatives getting married within a few months, it can be hard for them to remember if they mailed a check or shopped the registry. While the guideline of having a year to send a wedding gift is outdated, be patient with your guests. Eventually, some guests do remember, and truly, it’s never too late to give!
Other reasons (4% of respondents)
Out of the 700 people who voted on this poll, a few reached out via direct message with a common theme: guests tend to skip gifts if they don’t like the couple’s gift requests. Take it from these followers:
“[When couples ask for cash only], I think there might be some jealousy sprinkled in there. Guests think, ‘If they can afford this fancy wedding, they don’t need my money.’”
Another follower expressed something similar about honeymoon funds being the only gift option:
“Honestly, I’m spending all my PTO and budget on getting to your wedding. If I’m spending any more money, it’s on a vacation for myself.”
So, if you’re considering a cash-only or honeymoon-only registry, think again: you may not have as many contributions as you think!
3 Things Couples Can Do:
1. Register for a variety of gifts
When you create your registry, add items at every price point–your guests will appreciate it. This way, no matter their budget, every guest can find a gift they can afford that they know you’ll love! A honeymoon or cash fund is a great option as long as it’s offered alongside a traditional registry. Looking for more registry tips and guidelines? Check out our ultimate guide to creating your registry, and download the checklist!
2. Keep track of gifts
Nothing would be worse than mistakenly thinking someone skipped a gift, only to find it was misplaced, lost, or forgotten. If you’re using Excel for your guest list and addresses, I recommend adding a column for gifts and recording each gift as it arrives. That way, writing thank-you notes is a breeze, and you can be sure nothing is missed. If any gifts arrive without a note, take advantage of the thank you note tracker many retailers offer. Note: This may not be an option if you use a universal gift registry instead of the store’s registry creation page. We always recommend registering directly with the retailer whenever possible, as they can assist with missing cards and lost gifts!
3. Move On
When it’s all over, if there are still gaps in your gift records, there’s no gracious way to inquire about the whereabouts of a wedding gift.
Some wedding websites give couples the option of sending a message to guests along the lines of: “All of our thank you notes have been sent. Please let us know if you did not receive one.” This feels like “fishing” for gifts and is simply not necessary. If gift-givers haven’t received a thank-you card after a few months, they should be the ones to reach out–not the recipients.
It’s normal to feel hurt, especially if you’ve recently celebrated and gifted a guest who skipped your gift, and it’s understandable if the lack of a gift affects your relationship going forward. Ultimately, we never know what hardships people face behind closed doors. Do your best to be grateful for their presence and the gifts you received, and move on and enjoy your married life!
Have a Question for our Real Brides?
Let me know what topic you’d like us to tackle next! And if you’re interested in learning more about etiquette, gift-giving, and celebrating in style, be sure to subscribe to the RegistryFinder GiveIt blog for weekly posts on wedding etiquette, bridal showers, wedding trends, and, of course, wedding registry guidelines and tips! And as always, refer your guests to RegistryFinder.com, where they can conveniently locate all your registries in one place!
