Our question today is from a reader who was not invited to the wedding of someone close to her but feels she may need to give a wedding gift.
Dear Cheryl,
I was not invited to the wedding of my good friend’s daughter. Should I give a wedding gift? I did give a substantial shower gift.
Gina
Hi Gina,
To gift or not to gift? — so many events leave us wondering…
However, etiquette is pretty clear on wedding gifts, so the answer to your question is simple. You should not feel obligated to purchase a gift for the couple if you are not invited to the wedding. This “rule” is consistent; if you are invited to a wedding, you should send a gift, regardless of whether you can attend the wedding. If you are not invited, it’s not necessary or expected for you to send a gift. That said, gifting is always at the discretion of the gift giver. If you really want to give your friend’s daughter a wedding gift, there is nothing wrong with doing so. I have done that myself.
As a side note, those not invited to the wedding should not be invited to a bridal shower or any other pre-wedding event. It’s considered rude because a shower, by its nature, is a gift-giving event. That’s in the past, but it’s another good reason not to feel it’s necessary to purchase a separate gift for the wedding.
For more answers about when gift-giving is expected from our other etiquette writer @askarealbride, see her post When Do I Take a Gift: Wedding Edition.
If you have questions or comments about this post, gift giving, bridal showers, baby showers, or wedding etiquette, please comment below or email [email protected].
Questions in this column are received from readers. They may be edited for spelling, length, and grammar or to remove sensitive information. However, we are careful not to alter the intent or content of the question.
Cheryl Seidel is an etiquette writer and the founder of RegistryFinder.com. This intuitive search engine helps gift givers quickly and easily find online registries for weddings, baby showers, graduations, and more.
Christina
Asking if it’s etiquette appropriate to ask for a monetary gift if NOT invited to baby shower (BS)? Probably along the same question above– but still wanted to ask.
At work some staff asked if I knew that they were getting money for a baby shower that was going to be held that no other people were invited to except the person who put together an envelop and got a card. I mentioned it wasn’t BS etiquette to ask– I still gave money 😐
Cheryl
Thanks for your comment!
You are correct; it’s not appropriate to ask someone to contribute to a shower gift if they were not invited to the shower.
Workplace gifts can be troublesome. The person collecting the money should have done some research, although she probably had the best of intentions. From an etiquette point of view, your co-worker should have gone to the shower and purchased her own gift. She also didn’t consider that the mom-to-be might be embarrassed when she opened a group gift at the baby shower, knowing the others were not invited.
It would have been better to wait until later (maybe after the baby was born) and then take up a collection for a group gift from everyone in the office. However, it was not the mom-to-be doing the collecting. She probably knew nothing about it.